


I don't feel the way I've ever felt.

by alexxxford



Category: Unspecified Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Drugs, High School AU, M/M, Romance, Sabriel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 01:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexxxford/pseuds/alexxxford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sabriel Highschool AU</p>
<p>Looks at Sam's Sophomore year where he deals with stress, pressure, depression, addiction, and his sexuality. <br/>Adolescence is hard, but Sam's learning how to deal, and maybe even enjoy it a little. Yes. It is possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Autumn

** September **

"This really is the beginning of the end huh?" Dean says thoughtfully as Cas climbs into the passenger seat of the '67 Chevy he'd inherited from his dad on his 18th birthday a few days back.   
  
"Yup, I guess. One more year"  
  
"Not even that man! Exams end in like, May. That's..." he counts on his fingers. "..9 months. 9 months, holy crap!"  
He looks over his shoulder where Sam is sat in the backseat, text books and note pads spread out, checking he'd got everything.   
"How about you Sammy? Ready for college? We'll make sure to get it all set up and ready for you huh?" he hits Cas winking and Sam groans.   
  
"Don't Dean. Half my teachers already hate me because of you. I don't wanna go through that again for my next two years."  
  
"Hate you?! My teachers love me!" he exclaims, to which Cas scoffs, trying to choke back a laugh and earning another hit. "Whatever dude. Man, there's no pleasing some people! I swear".  
  
And with that, to a soundtrack of AC/DC's Highway to Hell they sped off down the leafy suburban streets of Lawrence to Lincoln High. To Dean and Cas last day year of school and Sam's last year before sixth form.   
And what an eventful year it would turn out to be.   
  
  
The first few days were the same as every other start of term. Introductions to teachers who'd already taught you. Get to know each other games with students you already knew.  
Then there was countless module overviews and grade target setting and..  
  
Sam was tearing his hair out by lunch. He had numerous text books sprawled out across their table and he haphazardly jotted nots down in a diary, sticking post-it notes to pages so he could find them again. "I should have colour coordinated" he mumbles.   
  
Jo and Ash exchanges glances across the table, Ash raising an eyebrow, indication the girl in the group better take this one.   
  
"So, Sam. You enjoying your classes?"  
  
She receives only a grunt in reply.   
  
"I've take up art history. Really interesting"  
  
There's no reply this time and Jo and Ash shrug at each other, about to run out of options when a loud booming voice startles them.   
  
"Little brother!" Dean reaches over Sam to his untouched lunch tray, swiping the blueberry muffin, and finds a clear spot on the table to perch.  
  
"Dean I'm kind of busy" Sam groans.   
  
Dean as always has Cas in tow. Stood a little awkwardly at the side of the table. The Novaks had moved to town about fifteen years ago. Their dad was the mayor or something in politics. A pretty big deal. The four kids, Michael, Gabriel, Castiel and Anna had all been sent to the private school half an hour outside of town.  
One summer Dean had got himself some crappy job working behind a till in a super market. Cas worked there already, something about wanting ‘freedom’. Dean never understood _choosing_ to work if you didn’t have to. Castiel allowance had been triple figures..  
Anyway, they’d hit it off straight away, despite the fact they were total polar opposites.  
Dean spent the whole summer nagging Castiel about going to _‘real school’_ , and after three months, it worked.Cas had been a bit of an outcast a first. He had pretty rusty person skills and didn't make friends quickly.   
No one knew why Dean latched onto him like he did. It was unheard of. One of the popular kids. On the football team. Befriending the new kid who'd isolated everyone by being too smart and too weird.   
  
At first Sam had thought it had been some deal so Dean could get his homework done but if anything his grades slipped further and when one day last summer one of the quarter backers had knocked Cas around a little Dean had freaked out and decked him.   
  
No one questioned their friendship after that. It was just a given, and they were practically inseparable. Sure, Cas still tried to avoid the other jocks as much as possible, and he was still way smarter than anyone else, but people had finally kind of accepted him for who he was, which in high school is all you can ask for.

Sam was pretty sure Gabriel had gone to their school too. He’d got kicked out of the private school or something.  
  
"What are you doing?" Castiel peered at him with interest.   
  
"I've got, so many meetings with so many tutors and I need my grade aims and.. everything is just muddle up.."  
  
"I colour coordinated mine" the older boy shrugs.   
  
"Oh god stop your nerd talk!" Dean says through a mouthful of muffin.

Sam sighs, leaning back in his chair. He wondered what it would be like at school, without his big brother there. The guy drove him _crazy_ 90% of the time, but they were still ridiculously close.

After their mom died when Sam was a baby, their dad had done his best for them, but he hadn’t found it easy. He’d never really, truly, stopped grieving. Never got over her. He’d tried to raise his boys in a loving home but he struggled to ever feel love.

Dean had done a lot for Sam, even though he was only a couple of years older than him, he’d grown up incredibly quick, enabling Sam to have a more normal childhood.

Sam jumps a mile when the bell sounds, signifying the end of lunch. He’d been so deep in thought.

“Well Sammy, I’ll wait for you in the parking lot. Happy geeking!” Dean grins, nabbing the last few cold fries sat on his brothers plate and shovelling them in, before disappearing off to his class.

“Hey, next year we get parking” Jo smiles, physically gragging Ash by the arm so he couldn’t escape. (He was doing his usual _“We’re dudes, why do we gotta learn to cook?”_ answered by Jo’s usual _“Because guys like you can’t garuntee on having a wife to do it for them!”)_

“Yeah, as soon as one of us learns to drive..” Sam says. Ever the voice of reason. Or just depressing.

“God you’re a nightmare! What will it take to cheer you up” she says, more to herself than Sam, throwing her arms in the air in an exaggerated gesture, pulling them back in time to grab Ash’s backpack as he b-lines for the fire escape.

Sam had always been a serious kid. Dean said it was getting worse with age.

** October **

 "So.. you guys going to Ron McGowaskys party next weekend?"  
  
"We're too young, we won't get in" Jo sighs, fluttering her eyelashes ever so slightly at SAMs older brother.   
  
"Ahh, guess we're your meal ticket then" he winks.   
  
"Ron's kind of a dick. I don't know if I want to.." Sam simply shrugs, earning a hit from Jo.   
  
"If you can get us in, we'd be so grateful!" she gushes, making Ash roll his eyes.   
  
"Well then, better stay on my good side!"  
  
  
Sam doesn't make a conscious effort, but apparently it doesn't take much for him stay on Deans good side.   
  
"We'll be at yours by 8" Jo grins, appealing behind Sams locker when he shuts the door. This party has been all she's been able to talk about all week and he'd just had to endure art fourth period with her. He hated art at the best of times. You couldn't study it. He couldn't read about it, and remember stuff an get an A like he did with everything else. No. That was one class he'll be very happy never to take again after the years out.   
  
"Can't we just meet you there?" he shrugs, trudging down the hall to lunch with her close behind.   
  
"No way, you heard Dean! We need him to get in!"  
  
"Dude, is there gonna be beer at yours?" Ash catches up with them.   
  
Sam shrugs grumpily and makes some excuse about an up an coming deadline and manages to ditch them where they'll never follow. The library.   
He really didn't understand why everyone was so excited about this damn party. Ron was a first class asshole who'd picked on them numerous times before he graduate last year. Why they'd want to celebrate his birthday he did not know.   
Sam stayed behind after school to speak to his art teacher about extra-circular activities to get his grade up.   
It's was gone five by the time he'd walked home, which was apparently late enough to be on the beers already.   
  
"Hey baby brother!" Dean grinned.   
  
"How are you even drunk already?" he sighs, dropping his messenger bag down in the hall and waving at Castiel who's sat politely on the sofa.   
  
"Ditched last period to go get beers" his older brother shrugs casually.   
  
"Dean! You heard what dad said, he'll go mad-"  
  
"You're welcome! Geez, there's just no pleasing some people! Aye Cas"  
  
"Don't get me involved, I didn't want to bunk"  
  
"Anyway, help yourself" Dean waves at the cooler next to the tv, filled to the brim with Bud. He drops down on the couch across from Cas, swinging his legs up to rest on his friends lap.   
Sam scowls, he's about to make a comment but thinks better of it, shaking his head and jogging upstairs to take a shower.   
  
By the time he's out Jo is already there, in his room.   
  
"Jo!" he jumps a mile, covering himself self-consciously as he's only in a towel.   
  
"Hey Sam" she smiles, not looking away from the mirror where she's whiting her face.   
  
"You're two hours early.."  
  
"Well I forgot we had to get our costumes on an stuff. An hey, look what I found in the drama cupboard!" she waves a pallet of face paints.   
  
Sam pulls a faded red tshirt on quickly. "I am not having my face painted." he grumbles sternly. He'd been dead set against dressing up altogether. Halloween was for kids. But once again he was outnumbered by his so-called friends and when Dean had dropped the Dracula suit on his bed last week there was really nothing he could say.   
  
"Your Dracula! You have to!"  
  
"What are you suppose to be?" he face falls and he immediately felt guilty for asking. She'd been on about this party since forever, no doubt she'd already told him a bunch of times. "Alice in Wonderland"  
  
"That's not hallowe-"  
  
"Dead."  
  
She gets up and turns around the reveal the traditional blue dress and white apron combo, but this time teamed with a slit throat and wrists.   
  
"I figure she was abused and raped and killed herself. Or, the whole wonderland thing was just some schitzy acid-trip and she kills herself because she can't get anyone-“

Sam stops listening, grabbing his costume off the bed and reluctantly changing.

“I still think you’d look a whole lot more convincing if you let me do your face” Jo sings as she trails him downstairs where the others are. Ash has turned up as a hippy, which really isn’t pushing the boat out much, in flairs and a tie dye tshirt.  
Dean is in a smart black suit and bowtie.

“Bond. James Bond” he winks in the worst English accent Sam has ever heard.

“That’s not scary-“ Sam begins a protest but is cut off as Dean flips a gun from somewhere in his pants,, pointing it at each of them in turn, smiling proudly.

“Dean! Is that.. that’s dads, he’ll kill you”

“Relax lil bro, it’s busted”

“I’m pretty sure it’s still illegal to bring that to a party..”

“Hey, no ones gonna argue with the guy with the gun..”

Castiel had been even more against dressing up than Sam. It had obviously not been something the Novak’s had indulged in as kids because the concept was completely lost on him. He simply didn’t get it.

Dean had tried to get him to go as his Bond girl. He’d almost agreed. In the end they’d finally managed to get him to agree to wearing a sheet over his head, good old-fashioned ghost style.

“We look like idiots” Sam groans, watching Jo take Cas’s arm a few paces ahead, steering him away from a street light he was about to hit head-on.

“Can’t you see in there?”

“No, Dean cut the eye holes wonky!”

He needn’t have worried though. When they get to the party, everyone’s in full fancy dress.  As soon as they get in Dean spots the rest of the football team (dressed imaginatively as… the football team), and disappears off with them, Castiel awkwardly in toe.

Sam had sworn to himself he wasn’t going to drink but that was definitely the only the only way he was getting through tonight..

Ash was MIA most of the night.  Jo was kind of a nerd but she was a good looking girl and got her fair-share of attention from the older, more inebriated guys. Sam would worry but Jo was more than capable of looking after herself.

Nevertheless at one they all caught up with each other in the lounge.

“Man, this party blows” Ash announces, dropping down heavily on the couch. Wow, he was taking this costume thing so seriously, it even smelt like he’d been smoking p..

“Hey it’s alright”

“Pfft” Cas huffs.

“He’s just pissed off coz his brothers here” Dean rolls his eyes, handing Sam another beer. A beer he really doesn’t need.

“I thought he was away at uni?”

Castiel shrugs.  “Half term”

“Well trust me, I know how much it sucks having your older brother there _aalll_ the time!” Sam says flatly, keeping a straight face though he’s joking.

“Hey!” Dean says a couple of seconds later when he finally gets it.

Sam excused himself for a long over-due toilet break only to find a queue.  
The, considerably shorter, guy in front turns.   
  
"I warn you, I've been here ten minutes"  
  
Sam sighs frustratedly. "Brilliant. Just what I needed"  
  
"Yeah, I was thinking about just going in the garden"  
  
This has the desired effect, shocking Sam into looking up at him, chuckling, thinking he's joking. "Yeah" he smiles.   
  
"Hey, do I recognize you?" the guy suddenly asks.   
  
Sam frowns, still uninterested. "I dunno"  
  
"Yeah, your my brothers friends little brother?"  
  
The thoughts process slow in his alcohol riddled mind. "Er.. oh, are you Castiel's brother?"  
  
"Or he's my brother. I prefer to think of it that way" he shrugs, his golden eyes twinkle.   
  
Sam chuckles again, shaking his head. "Yeah okay. So you at college? How's that?"  
  
Gabriel shuffles his feet. "Er yeah, it's okay. The parties are... good"  
  
"Cool" Sam nods.   
  
"Well listen, this has been fun but I really can't wait so, I'm gonna head into the garden"  
  
Sam's jaw drops as he realizes he's not kidding, and his eyes are glued to his back, watching him leave.   
5 minutes later and he's starting to actually consider the garden when the bathroom door finally bursts open an he really shouldn't be surprised to see a drunk couple spill out.   
  
By 3am Sam's pretty sure he's done his duty and Cas looks extremely relieved when a hammered Dean is convinced to leave.   
  
"Buuu.. s'good paaarty!" he protests, staggering about two foot off to the left as they leave the house.   
  
"Yup. And it's over now."  
  
"Are you sure you've got this?" a tired Cas forces out a smile Sam as he transfers Deans leaning body onto him.

“I’m way more used to it than I should be” Sam forces a smile, accepting his brother. How did he know the night was gonna end like this?

** November **

“Half an hour!” Sam yells from underneath the sink. He hears a loud clatter of bottles as Dean presumably puts out the recycling.

“I know I know” comes a muffled response. “I still don’t see why we’re doing this” his voice becomes louder as he stalks into the kitchen angrily. “Dad’s not even gonna notice”

“Dean this place was a tip when he left. It’s almost… presentable now!”

A weird gargling noise comes from the sink above as Dean flicks on one of the taps, an eager grin on his face.  
Cold water dribbles from the piping, splashing across Sam’s face, making him call out in shock, automatically sitting up and banging his head against the underside of the cabinet.  
He slides out from the kitchen counter. “You’re a dick” he growls, spitting out the water but Dean is doubled over laughing.

The house is spotless by the time by the time their dad gets home. Sam rushes to the hall, a proud smile on his face.   
  
"Alright boys!" Bobby chirps, following behind their dad, apparently carrying most of their bags. When they go off on their last minute hunting trips they can be gone for any length of time and often dad forgets to keep them informed.   
They also never return home with any catches. Even from the fishing trips. Dean says they're probably just really bad. Sam wonders if they're just going drinking.   
  
He does however, often come back with novelty tshirts from different wildlife parks. two of which are slung the boys way now.   
  
"Everything okay dad?" Sam pries as his father kicks off his muddy boots in the hall on the shiny wooden floor and dumps his back past messily at the bottom of the stairs, his shoulder brushing Sam's as he passes him on his way to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for him and Bobby, not even acknowledging that when he'd left 6 days earlier the kitchen had been filthy, a stack of dishes in the sink, the fridge, which is now stocked had also been empty.   
  
"You been staying out of trouble?" he asks gruffly.   
  
"..Yeah"  
  
"Then I'm okay" he forces a rare smile to his youngest son.   
  
"We're just tired" Bobby said and he had to admit they looked it.   
  
Sam sighed sadly. Dean was right. Their dad didn't notice the house at all. He thought about mentioning it, but they'd been brought up not to seek praise. It made even the kindest acts selfish.   
So he trudge up the stairs, tail between his legs and flung himself onto his bed, sighing.   
  
A few minutes later he's disturbed by a gentle knock at the door.   
His eyes snap open. Maybe his dad has noticed?! But it's only Dean. His eyelids flutter shut again.   
  
"Go away Dean" he grumbles.   
  
Dean scoffs. "Thanks" he says sarcastically, entering the room anyway, running his finger along Sam's naff CD collection. He realizes how long it's been since he had been in here.   
  
"You're here to gloat and I'm not in the mood for I-told-you-so's"  
  
Dean sighed, dragging his eyes across the room one more time before dropping down on the end of his little brothers bed.   
  
"No okay, it was a nice idea Sammy. I mean, the place was a tip, it needed it. But you know what dads like after hunting. He's just tired is all. Hey, maybe he'll notice in the morning?"  
  
Sam opened his eyes to scowl at his brother. "oh god, you're trying to comfort me. Am I thy pathetic?!"  
  
"Well yeah but.." he tried to joke but Sam wasn't in the mood. He twiddled his thumbs, mulling over his next sentence. "I erm.. I'm just worried about you is all. You seem so unhappy lately. All the time.. I-"  
  
"I'm fine!! I swear Dean, relax"  
  
"Sammy you're not! An I know you an Dad have been butting heads a lot recently and you're feeling the pressure at school-"  
  
"Dean!" Sam's voice was like thunder, uncharacteristic for him and it silenced his brother instantly, leaving him looking a little forlorn for a minute. But he soon snaps out of it.   
  
"Listen I'm only trying to help but if you don't want it then fine! You know you can lie to me all you want but I know the truth and so do you!" and with that he stormed out.   
  
Sam felt guilty almost immediately. He hadn't meant to snap at his brother, he just had to stop him talking.   
He was right. Sam wasn't quit himself at the moment but he couldn't explain it.  
He just didn't know what he was doing right now. Where his life was headed. University sure, but then what? He wanted a purpose...  
  
It was just something he'd been feeling lately. Totally inexplainable.  
  
He guessed if he was honest he was a bit jealous of Dean too. Of Dean and Castiel's friendship anyway. Dean had always got along better with their dad but Sam didn't care because he had Dean who was much better at being there for him anyway.   
He'd just taken for granted the fact that Dean would always been there. Especially as their faster became more and more absent.   
But now it seemed like Dean was slowing leaving his life too and Sam didn't know what he was doing wrong. He just know that he wanted to do something with his life. Something worthwhile. So people wouldn't leave him and ignore him.  
Is that so hard to understand?


	2. Winter

**4 – December**  
  
"God, I'm so bored!" Sam sighs, resting his chin on the ball of his hand, eyes flicking over the webcam at the top of his monitor.   
  
"Bored? No, school is boring. Lazing around doing nothing? That's fun!" Ash enthuses.   
  
"Eugh, I wish I had time to get bored and do nothing! Mums had me working at the bar every night this week!" Jo moans, the jittery Skype screen flickering in front of Sam.   
  
"Maybe I should get a job-"  
  
"N-n-n-n-n-NO!" Ash waves his arms. "What about me? You guys are already always busy.."  
  
"Where's Dean?" Jo cuts in with an eye roll.   
  
"At the Novaks. Actually, he should be home in a few. I'm gonna go see if there's any food. Catch you both later?"  
  
"Can we go sledging one day, if the snow gets a bit heavier?" Jo pleads, puppy dog eyes.   
  
Sam laughs a her blind optimism because this is Kansas and the 'frost' on the grass is hardly snow and the chances of them getting sledge-weather are pretty slim but he agrees nonetheless.   
  
He switches off his computer and jogs down to the kitchen, tugging the fridge open and scanning the shelves in the fridge finding... very little.   
The phone rings, startling him, and he grabs it.   
  
"Hello?"  
"Sammy, what's up dude?"  
"Dean? You on your way back? We have like no food. Maybe you could sto-"  
"Er, about that... Im gonna stay here tonight. Y'know. More food. Central heating. Cable-"  
"Dean! So I'm stuck here alone with no food, in the cold?"  
"No look Sammy, Cas says you can come here. We got the Die Hard box set"  
"I don't wanna intrude on your date night" he rolls his eyes frustratedly.   
"Shut up bitch! Just come join us! ... hey Cas says Gabe can come get you.."  
"No that's-"  
"He'll be there in 10!"  
  
With that Dean hangs up. Sam's not sure what he's expecting. He's not sure If Gabriel is actually on his way, and if he is why.   
He thinks about changing out of his charcoal grey sweat pants and tight dark green tshirt, but decides to chug a pint of milk first and then the doorbell rings.   
  
Gabriel is stretched up on the porch, leaning against the wall, arm high, tshirt riding up to reveal a small slit of tanned stomach. Wait, why was Sam noticing that?  
  
"Sam" he says in a deep voice, raising an eyebrow at his questionable clothing choice. "No need to dress for the occasion"  
  
Sam chuckles, cheeks blushing a little. "Sorry man."  
  
"S'alright. So. You joining us tonight? Lucky boy" Gabriel steps straight past Sam into the house, looking all around himself. "Nice place" he adds casually.   
  
"Beats hanging round here on my own" Sam shrugs, shoving his wallet in one pocket and his phone in the other and snatching the keys from the hook in the kitchen.   
  
"Thanks" Gabe says sarcasticly, picking stuff up off the counter and inspecting it lazily.   
  
"No no I didn't mean like that! I just-"  
  
"It's fine. Trust me, It's not much fun hanging round those two love birds canoodling in the sofa.."  
  
"Euw shuttup" Sam laughs, following the older boy down to his rusty red pickup truck.   
  
"I'm serious! I swear if my brother sat any closer to yours he'd be on his lap!"  
  
"They're just friends" Sam told him as they begin the short drive to the Novaks house on the posher side of town.   
  
Gabriel lets out a soft snort. "We'll see"  
  
"Dean's straight!"  
  
"I don't believe anyone's totally straight" the driver muses.   
  
Sam just shakes his head. He knew Gabe was a little.. liberal.   
  
They pull up at the house a few minutes later. Sure enough Dean and Castiel are sat shoulder to shoulder on the sofa and if he's not mistaken Sam thinks Castiels leaning on his brother a little. It's funny seeing him like that. He's so uptight and.. reserved usually. He does seem to.. come undone a little around Dean.   
He hakes his head. He must be going mad, his brother is the straightest man he knows. Besides, he's old fashion, and way to.. boring for all that.   
  
"Sammy boy! Pizza's in the oven! We got chips and dips too, and a couple crates of beer. Come join the party!" Dean cheers upon seeing him.   
  
Sam brings the two of them beers and takes one for himself, settling down at the far end of the sofa, pulling his knees up and resting his chin on them. December 22nd and their Dad still wasn't back.   
  
"Cheer up, might never happen" he jumps as a cool beer is pressed to his cheek a short while later. Gabe grins, clinking his against it and flopping out across the armchair just to the left.   
  
They watch the whole Die Hard box set, then some weird kung foo movie and now they're on to cable and some cheesy Christmas film is on but the first crate of beer is gone and they've made a heavy dent in the second so they don't care to change it.   
  
Sam looks across. Dean is still sat on the couch next to him, but Castiel has moved down to the floor and has his arm rested on Deans knees, and his head rest on his arm. Dean reaches forward lazily running his fingers through his hair, twirling it around his forefinger. Cas seems to lean into his touch, tilt his head slightly, smile slightly.   
  
Gabriel's words ring in his head. 'I don't think anyone's completely straight'. Maybe he was right. He looks over to him and is surprised to find him watching him. He raises an eyebrow and gestures to the kitchen.   
  
Sam follows him out there and they grab more beers. He doesn't know why he's taking another. He's hammered already. Sweating. The kitchen is tipping and he reaches for the kitchen countertop steady himself. He can see Gabe smiling at him, gently prying the beer from his hands, opening it and sliding it back between his fingers.   
  
"You see 'em holding hands to Jackie Chan?"  
  
"Noo??!" Sam laughs in disbelief.   
  
"Yeah"  
  
Gabe's golden eyes watch Sam. "So, how's the old high school?" he asks after a moment.   
  
Sam shrugs. "Saaaame old. Boringgg. How's university?" he slurs.   
  
There's a pause before another smile spreads across Gabriel's face and he takes a step closer to Sam, so their bodies are only an inch apart. "Sam, can you keep a secret?" he asks in a husky voice.   
  
"I... I think so"  
  
"Think?"  
  
"Yes. I can!"  
  
Gabe leans in, his hot breath at Sam's neck. "I dropped out"  
  
Sam's jaw drops. "You.. What? No way!"  
  
Gabriel nods.   
  
Sam covers his mouth in shock but he's smiling too.   
  
"Anyway, let me show you to the spare room"  
  
"But... Dean?"  
  
Gabriel just casts his eyes back to the lounge. Dean is still sat on the couch but Cas is now laid out across it, his head rested in Deans lap. Sam can't help but smile as he's lead upstairs.   
  
"Well, night. Er, will you be at Craig's party at new years?"  
  
Sam looks up at Gabe in the doorway. "Yeah. Okay."

 

 **5 – January - 852**  
  
The house is the most crowded he's ever soon a house. Loud music is being pumped round every room. The lounge with a dj leads into the kitchen filled with bottles which leads into a conservatory with wide open French doors leading to the garden. Sam can see the pool is filled with pink and purple balloons and even though it's nearly midnight and about 5 degrees people are in it.   
  
Sam worms his way through the crowd of swaying bodies and finally gets out the front door. A couple are actually having sex on the lawn.   
Still no sign of Dean or Ash.   
  
Jo had been whisked out of town to spend new years with some of Ellen's friends down south (which she wasn't too pleased about, probably because she was hoping for a new years kiss with Dean. She's always ha a crush and the rules tend to go out the window at midnight) and Sam had stupidly agreed to go to this party with Dean and take Ash with him but both had vanished almost as soon as they'd got here.   
  
"You like to watch?"  
  
Sam jumps a mile, clutching his heart in shock as Gabriel appears on the porch next to him.   
  
"Pervert"  
  
And Sam becomes aware again of the couple on the lawn and starts stuttering and panicking, cheeks going red.   
  
"N..no! I I was l-looking for Dean!"  
  
Gabriel has that devilish grin on his face Sam's starting to become accustomed to. He skips down the steps and over to the couple, seemingly inspecting them.   
  
"Nope. Not Dean!" he jogs back up the steps to the front door just as the music is cut and a loud cheer of 10 sounds and people start piling out the front door. "Ever thought that maybe you can't find him because he doesn't want to be found?"  
  
"But why-"  
  
Gabriel raises his eyebrows as the count reaches 6.   
"I think he might want a little privacy for the big count down, no?"  
  
And Sam can't stop his mind from involuntarily thinking of Castiel, who much like himself, would never be caught dead at one of these parties if it wasn't for Deans powers of persuasion.   
  
Before Sam has chance to make anymore sense of these thoughts the clock hits 12 and fireworks begin to explode around them and everyone cheers and Sam looks up just in time to catch Gabriel's eyes as the older boy takes one of the footballers by his face and pulls him down for a sloppy kiss. Now this footballer definitely had a girlfriend but Gabriel still had to physically push him away after. Sams jaw just hit the ground.   
  
"You're.."  
  
"I don't define my sexuality" he quips, hopping back down the steps. "And neither should you" he calls over his shoulder.   
  
Sure enough, fifteen minutes after the countdown Dean appeared, Castiel trailing forlornly behind.   
  
"Dude! I've been looking for you for ages!"  
  
"Not very well" Dean shrugs, but Sam catches the subtle look his brother throws Cas and Sam tries not to pay attention to it because it's none of his business but still...  
  
The rest of the night is somewhat like the last. Cas takes off to find his Gabriel and calls Dean twenty minutes later to say they've left. Sam can tell his brothers annoyed but he just bites his lip.   
  
"You could of said Cas. We were waiting for you" he tells him through gritted teeth.   
  
The brothers leave shortly after.   
  
"What about Ash?"  
  
"In the shed smoking pot"   
  
It's a twenty minute walk across town to get home. There's still no snow, only sparkly frost.   
Usually at this time in the morning the town would be silent but tonight it's littered with drunks staggering home from parties or bars they've been kicked out off.   
  
"Don't wake dad when we get in" Sam doesn't know why he says that.   
Dean gives him an odd look.   
  
"Sure..."  
  
"So.. did you get your new years kiss?"  
  
Deans cheeks flush pink a little. "Pshh, yeah. Corse"  
  
"Wa.. Was it good?"  
  
His older brother smiles, a smile that reaches his eyes. "Yeah. It was..." he's quiet for a minute. Thoughtful. Then he turns to his brother. "Did you?"  
  
For some reason he's imagining Gabriel and that jocks kiss as he shakes his head. "Nah. None of the girls there.." he trails off.   
  
They get in a little before two. Their dad and Bobby and a couple other guys are still up, sat round a bonfire. Sam waves through the kitchen window to them and his father gives him a warm smile and waves back.   
  
"You gonna join them?" Dean asks, shoving three slices of toast into the toaster.   
  
"Nah, I'm done. I'll see you in the morning?"  
  
"Afternoon" Dean corrects.   
  
Sam staggers up the stairs dizzily and falls into bed without changing. He dreams of a crowded house with loud music and bright lights and golden eyes. He's searching for someone, but they remain just out of his reach. He doesn't know who it's supposed to be but he keeps seeing them vanish into the crowds.

 

 **6  - February - 389**  
  
February is shit. February's always shit. Sam has exams and spends most of it studying. It's the Sadie Hawkins dance but the only girl that asks is a goth with 2 lip rings, purple hair is taller than him and quite frankly scares him.   
One of Ash's stoner friends in the year above offers too but Sam's pretty sure you can get high just standing next to her and he would never live it down if he went to a dance with a girl in a tie dye tshirt and bare feet.   
  
By the end of the month, exam results are in and Sam has a line of A's and B's like he'd expected.   
  
"Ooh, you missed one!" Dean teases, pointing out the C in art.   
  
"Yeah because you used my project for target practice!"  
  
"It was a target! Besides, I think it improved it"  
  
Sam rolled his eyes. He'd never been much of an artist and Dean wrecking one fifth of his grade certainly didn't help. But those excuses wouldn't get his grade up, and he wouldn't be getting into a top Uni with any C's, so he'd have to work harder.   
Jo was an amazing painter and had offered to help him. Maybe he could take her up on that.   
  
"How about you?" Sam asked. Dean's finals started in two months and they'd got their mock results back.   
  
He shrugs. "As expected. If I can sort out my math grade I'll have my 5 C's"  
  
"I can help you"  
  
Sam hadn't even realized Castiel was at theirs, but this was happening more often than not recently so it really wasn't much of a surprise.   
  
"What did you get?"   
  
Cas tries to shove his results into his backpack but Deans too quick and has them whipped out of his hand in a split second.   
  
"Cas.. you son of a bitch! You got an A* in everything?"  
  
Castiel blushes and grabs the piece of paper back, zipping it in his bag. "I'm serious about helping you with your maths. It's very important"  
  
"Yeah yeah" Dean swats. "Video games?"  
  
Sam looks at his brothers best friend. He had no idea he was so smart! I mean clever yeah, why was he such an outcast. But all A*'s? He guesses that's why he was such an outcast. People let jealousy manifest in strange ways..

 As they headed upsatirs he also found himself thinking about how he really looked nothing like his older brother..  
Castiel seemed fairly short beside Sam, but in actual fact he was fairly tall. He had pale skin, short hair that was almost black and his eyes werebright blue.  
Gabriel on the other had was just, well, short. No was around it. He was tan with brown hair that sometimes looked almost golden. His eyes were golden too..

Sam's mind involuntarily flickered to Gabriel kissing that boy atthe new years eve party. The boy who had definitley been dating a girl but had cleaerly very much enjoyed the kiss. So much so Gabriel had had to practically peel him off..

Sam shook his head. Why was he even thinknig about this?


	3. Spring

**7 – March**  
  
"Dude, I can't believe we're going to Spring Fling" Sam sighs, peering at his brother in the mirror they're sharing.   
  
"I know" comes a grumbled response from beside him.  
  
"It's our last chance to indulge in these social norms Dean. We should make the most of them.   
  
Cas can't have had the best high school experience but he's already getting nostalgic. Sam suspects Dean is too, but Cas is a good cover for it. Let's be honest, if Dean didn't wanna go to this dance: he simply wouldn't.   
Come to think of it, Sam wasn't really sure why he was going. He thought probably because he was actually going to miss having Dean around at school. He was clinging on to their time together.  
  
"Well, we do look good" Dean smirks lopsidedly, adjusting his loose black tie that sits over a dark grey shiny shirt.   
  
"Yes. We do" Cas smiles joyfully and Sam suspects he's had a few beers already and everybody knows that Cas can't hold his alcohol. He's opted for a dark navy shirt with black tie and vest. Dean chose his suit and suit him it does.   
  
Sam can't help but smile. He's in a simple white shirt with a dark burgandy tie, sleeves rolled up.   
"We'd better go then?" he checked his watch.   
  
"Oh. Gabriel said he'd pick us up later" Castiel adds nonchalantly.   
  
Sam stills for a second, his heartbeat picking up slightly. "I..Isn't he at Uni?" he stutters out.   
  
"He's back for Easter Sam"  
  
As he'd suspected. Gabriel still hadn't old anyone in his family that he'd dropped out of Uni. If he even had..  
Why couldn't he tell anyone? He knew it was a big deal, and yeah his parents would be disappointed but it seemed like the sort of thing you should be able to share.   
  
This trail of thought was soon lost as they shuffle out into the humid spring night. They hop on a bus downtown to the school. The dance started nearly an hour ago. The doors of the gym were thrown open and kids are already spilling out onto the field.   
The music is loud and cheesy and a surprising amount of people had actually shown up. Although maybe these things are always popular, Sam just never goes.   
  
Dean has snuck his hip flask inside the lining of his suit jacket and keeps tipping it into their drinks and as much as this is bugging Sam he can't help but notice no other siblings are hanging around together and maybe he should appreciate the fact he's friends with his.   
So he forces down his diy whiskey and coke and even manages a thank you.   
  
"We should dance?" Castiel suggests out of nowhere.   
  
Dean and Sam look at each other and burst out laughing.   
  
"Go on then!" Sam jokes.   
  
"No!" Dean hits him. "Don't say that, he will!" he adds under his breath.   
  
"Come on!" the tipsy senior is pleading.   
  
"No way!"  
  
Dean is accosted by his football buddies half way through and leaves Sam and Cas with the hip flask with strict instructions to finish it. They catch up with Jo to get a little help.   
  
"Wow, you boys scrub up well! I didn't know you were coming!"  
  
"Trust me, I had no intention of it. It was Cas' idea"  
  
"Well lets dance then!"  
  
Sam again refuses but Castiel is over the moon with the opportunity, and they head out on the floor, dancing about to the upbeat drum and bass rhythms, Sam suspects under his brothers watchful eye.   
  
Sam takes it upon himself to finish the whiskey in an uncharacteristic move and the instant wave of nausea reminds him of exactly why he doesn't usually do this. He sneaks outside to where it's now dark and spots the principle straight away, desperately trying to usher all the kids back into the gym. He sneeks behind a tree and follows the building round to the carpark out back where he's safe.   
He drops down on the steps. He can feel the music pulsing through the air, through him, and it's making him feel even more light headed.   
  
"Alright?"  
  
Sam jumps a mile, leaping right off the steps a foot into the air, clutching his racing heart as his blurred vision deciphers Gabriel, looking most pleased with himself.   
  
"Gabriel! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" he moans, straightening up.   
  
"I know" Gabriel smiles up at him matter of factly.   
  
"You know, you should really pick on someone your own size" he adds in mock threat but the older and smaller boy just gives him a wry smile.   
  
"Now where would the fun be in that?"  
  
They sit down on the steps to the gyms fire escape, shoulder to shoulder, and peer out into the dark and mostly empty car park.   
  
"You're early?"  
  
"I couldn't really stand being in that house any longer. I'm not rushing you, I thought I'd just wait outside. Have a smoke, listen to some music.."  
  
"Did you tell your parents you dropped out of college?" Sam blurts out, thinking that might have caused the atmosphere before covering his mouth in horror at the fact he'd actually brought that up.   
  
Gabriel's expression only falters for a nanosecond. "No Sam. Only you know that. So you keep your mouth shut okay? Especially infront of my brother"  
  
He deserved that.   
  
"Well, am I disturbing you? You can go back to your car and.. do whatever.."  
  
He waits for a minute then nods and gets up. "I have a joint the size of a hotdog in my car" he takes off across the Tarmac. "Come on Sammy!"  
  
They get in to Gabriel's jeep. It's not very old but it's pretty battered already and the alloys are caked in mud.   
  
"I've been off-roading her" Gabriel offers by way of explanation, as Sam clears the passenger seat, chucking an old baseball cap, an empty bag of crisps and a couple of lads mags into the back. "No point in having a four-wheel drive if you don't"  
  
Gabriel pops open the glove compartment, it just rests on Sams knee, and pulls out a file of CD's, thinking for a minute before sliding one in.   
He then pulls out the joint.   
"Shut the door" he tells Sam.   
  
"But it's hot.."  
  
Gabriel chokes on a laugh, before reaching over Sam, his side pressing into his stomach, and closes the door for him.   
  
"How old are you Sammy?" he asks, lighting it up, and it's not hotdog size but it is pretty big.   
  
"It's my birthday next month"  
  
Gabriel chokes on the smoke, which is weird because Sam thought people who knew how to smoke didn't do that. "Your seventeenth?" he says, his voice husky with smoke.   
  
"Sixteenth.." and suddenly Sam feels very young, too young to hang around with someone like Gabriel.   
  
"Crap. Okay. Geez, that height thing is kinda misleading"  
  
"Sorry"  
  
"S'okay. I guess as your a baby I gotta teach you things. You ever smoked a joint before?"  
  
Dean had. He'd smelt it. Hell, he's told him off about it. But he himself hadn't. So he shook his head.   
  
"I'm not forcing you okay? But if you want to, I'll show you how"  
  
And Sam is pretty sure he would have said yes to anything Gabe had offered him at that moment, go an behead the principle? Sure! So the older boy flicked up the volume and taught him how to smoke a joint.   
  
I'm descending out of space. To find another grace.   
I'm descending out of space. To find another grace.   
  
The music washed over Sam and he's convinced he can see the band through the dusty window, playing a private show for them.   
  
"You okay?" Gabe's voice sounds like he's shouting down a tunnel miles away.   
  
Sam smiles and nods. He's more than okay. For the first time in years he feels relaxed. Like all his worries have been carried away with the smoke and everything just feels positive. "Great. I feel great. Thank you".   
  
Sam feels Gabriels hand reach up and push the hair out of Sams eyes. He also feels his body respond to the touch. His head tilt to the older boys hand. He reaches up again, this time running his fingers straight through his hair and Sam is sure he can feel every tiny hair follicle moving, tingling. The sensation is almost unbearable but in a good way.   
Gabriel pulls his hand back and Sam makes a small involuntary squeak in the back of his throat, protesting the loss.   
  
"I'm going to hell" Gabriel mutters, watching Sam carefully as he places his hand on his knee this time. He strokes his thumb in small waves at the inside of Sams leg and Sam can feels himself gently buck his hips into the touch, urging the hand higher. Gabriel obliges slowly, painfully slowly. Inch by inch stroking closer up to Sam's crotch and Sam can feel his jeans tighten at the top when Gabe's hand reaches him and he throws his head back groaning.   
  
"Sam? Sam?"  
  
Gabriel's voice seems even further away now and it's not until he removes his hand that Sam orientates to their location.   
  
"Shit" he jumps, shaking his head. "Shit." and throws open the car door, gasping in a deep breath of fresh air.   
  
"Sam, I.." Gabriel tries, reaching out for Sams shoulder but this just makes him jump straight out the car.   
  
"I'm gonna go get my brother and Cas. Air out the car" he tells the older boy and hurries away.

  
They drive home in near silence, Castiel occasionally offering thoughts on his first school dance. "There was very little dancing" he muses. "Just many public displays of indecency.."

 

 **8 - April**  

The kitchen is stuffy, even with the window open. It's only mid April but it's hot for this time of year.   
The clock above the sink is ticking every second and Sam's sure it's louder than before.  
  
"Dude chill out. I'm the one with finals coming up." Dean growls as Sam snaps at him once again as his pencil rolls of the counter, tapping onto the linoleum floor. This apparently counts towards disturbing him, breaking pencils and wasting trees.  
  
"Yeah well I wouldn't be as chill as you if I still didn't know the quadratic equation"  
  
"Won't they have it on the paper?"  
  
"Maybe, but thats not gonna help you if you don't even know how to use it!"  
  
The doorbell interrupts their bickering and Dean hops up to get it, grateful for the distraction.   
  
"There, that's Cas. Your fired!" he calls over his shoulder, mumbling something about "Worst tutor ever"  
  
Two minutes later he re-enters the kitchen. "I thought you'd understand!"  
  
"I thought you'd understand the quadratic formula Dean! We covered this in juniors!"  
  
"You know I don't see why you're in such a bad mood.."  
Dean sits back at the counter, taking a sip of his water and looking back down at his workings.   
"If I'd have known, I wouldn't of invited you over.." he's still mumbling.   
  
"You didn't, I invited myself. I had to get out of that house" Cas tells him mater of factly.   
  
"Why?"  
  
Sam is about to leave them to it, he's almost out the room when he catches Castiels answer.   
  
"Turns out Gabriel dropped out of college. Ages ago. He didn't bother going back for his second year!! He's got some job up state but Christ, our father is fuming!"  
  
And there's something in the way he says it that strikes a chord with Sam. Something that fills him with worry.   
He slips away into the lounge and sits down, flicking the tv on for a minute, trying to clear his thoughts. For the last three weeks he's tried not to think of Gabriel. Everytime he did, his stomach flicked and he wasn't sure of it was shame or embarrassment or something else..  
  
He thought of Gabriel, down the road, invoking his fathers rage, which he'd heard was quite something. And he might be older than Sam but he was smaller, a lot smaller, and something about him just seemed vulnerable. And now he was in a world of trouble and it was probably Sam's fault.   
  
Without giving it anymore thought he was up and hurrying out of the house.   
  
"Where're you going? Dad'll be home in an hour-" Dean yells.   
  
"Just popping out for a bit"  
  
He takes off down the road quickly but as he approaches the Novaks house he slows, realizing he has no idea what he's going to say, but just before he reaches the house, he sees the tall, menacing figure that is Cas and Gabe's dad, slamming the front door and storming straight into his car, speeding off with a face like thunder.   
  
Sam hurries up to the house, when he gets there he sees the door had been slammed so hard it had bounced open. He pushes it open, knocking loudly as he takes a step in.   
He hears Gabriel before he sees him. "You're the piece of shit! You never went to college!" a whirlwind of fury sweeps down the staircase infront of him, not even noticing Sam. "You know nothing about any of us! College isn't going to help me I've got the job.." he stops abruptly, a foot from Sam. He's breathing heavy, shoulders rising and falling violently. His face is red with anger but his jaw looks swollen and there's a cut above his eye bleeding.   
  
"Gabe I.. I'm so-"  
  
"Get out!" his golden eyes blazed.   
  
"Look I didn't-"  
  
"Sam seriously just fuck off!" he yells and barges straight past him out of the house. Sam couldn't have imagined Gabriel angry, but it was a scary thing. Nevertheless he decides to follow him round the back of the house. He finds Gabriel sat at the edge of the decking, facing the Novaks pond.   
  
"Gabe-"  
  
"I said go away"  
  
"I know but-"  
  
"What do you want Sam?"  
  
Sam looks out over the garden, hesitating before taking a seat about half a foot from Gabriel. They sit in silence for a while, that warm evening air whipping around them.   
  
"So.. you told your dad?"  
  
"Pff, yeah"  
  
Sam chews his bottom lip. "Was that.. Coz-"  
  
"It's not your fault. You were right, I should have just said straight away.. Bit I guess you can see why I didn't now"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Sam wants to ask about the bruising in his face but stops himself.   
Gabriel is fiddling with a loose thread at his sleeve.   
  
"Whatever. It's my life. Doesn't matter"  
  
"It does matter! Your dad should be supportive-"  
  
"Ha, no, my dads not like others."  
  
"Do you think you've made the right choice?" Sam asks out if the blue, taking Gabriel by surprise.   
He doesn't even need to consider his answer.   
  
"Yes. Yes I'm sure. College wasn't for me. The parties were fun to start with but that all gets boring pretty fast. And the education.. it was just too.. restricted" he shrugs.   
  
Sam thinks about this. It had always been his dream to go away to college and he'd always pushed Dean the same way. Somewhere along the way he'd decided that college was just natural progression and really you wouldn't get anywhere without it.   
It had never really crossed his mind that college might not BE for some people. That maybe, occasionally it could actually be better, not to go?  
  
Gabriel is lighting a suspicious looking rolly now. "Make your own future Sam. Don't do what society wants you to do. Do what you want to do." he says wistfully, taking a long toke.   
  
"C.. can I have some?"   
  
Now Gabe looks confused. "But.. last time.."  
  
"No! Last time.. I panicked. I forgot.. my brother.."  
  
"Sammy its fine. Again, good for some people, not for others"  
  
"Well its good for me" Sam says firmly, holding out his hand.   
Last time, that night at the dance.. it had been the first time he'd been able to relax in months. He didn't know where all this anxiety had come from lately but nothing he'd tried had helped it.   
  
So they smoked the joint in silence and when they were done they stayed out on the porch and watched the stars, Gabriel pointing out certain stars and constellations.   
  
"You don't know how to find any? How about the big dipper? Everyone can find the big dipper!"  
  
They're laid on their backs now and Gabriel draws the big dipper in the sky and Sam can see the stars appearing under his touch as he names them one by one.   
  
"Stars are great. They're always there. Always the same. No matter what's going on down here on earth. Sometimes I kind of think they're watching us.   
  
A while later Sam realizes the time and checks his phone to find a bunch of missed calls. Crap. "I'd better go" he says slowly.   
  
Gabriel sighs and pushes himself up, then offers a hand and pulls Sam up with him.   
  
When they're up he looks away, his cheeks flushing a little pink, and he scratches the back of his neck "Hey I never said thanks" his golden eyes lift and meet Sams. "For encouraging me to tell me dad. I know it hasn't exactly gone well.. But I feel like a massive weights off my shoulder now, and I should of done it a lot earlier."  
  
Sam's not a hundred percent sure he's not being sarcastic because how can he mean thank you when he's got a black eye and swollen jaw because of him, but he gives no suggestion he is.  
The walk back out to the street, Sam stopping before he leaves.  
  
"Hey Gabriel, now your family know you're not at Uni, does that mean you'll come down more often?"  
  
A smile tugs at the corner of Gabe's mouth. "Maybe. If I have.. reason to"  
  
When Sam gets in Dean is 'worried sick' and his dads mad that he 'couldn't just answer your phone and let him know where you are' even though Dean knew fair and well where he'd been.  
  
Nevertheless Dad had picked up Chinese on his way home and Sam's sweet an sour was under the grill keeping warm and their Dad was talking excitedly about Vancouver, his latest mission and how he'd met up with a couple of old friends there.   
  
"Why can't you take us? I wanna come hunting one day" Dean picks up his age old argument.   
But their dad just smiles.   
  
"It's not all fun as games Dean. It can be dangerous."  
  
"But you're one of the best! People call you from all across America to hunt on their land!"  
  
"Dean trust me, you're better off in school. You too Sam" their father tell them as he ascends the stairs.   
  
Sam catches the worried look on his brothers face.   
"You know, if university isn't what you want, you shouldn't go"  
  
Dean looks like he's about to protest, snap at him that it's none of his business, but he stops himself. "Try telling everyone else that"  
  
"I don't have to. Uni is my dream. But that doesn't mean it's right for you. I think maybe, some people do better without it" he says through a mouthful of his dads left overs.   
  
"Yeah, maybe you're right. I dunno. I'm going to bed. You're going to be sick if you keep eating like that!"  
  
Sam looks down to where he's finished off about four dishes on top of his own three. He's just really hungry. And he laughs, because he's just realized why.

 

 **9 - May**  
  
Sam punches his locker. "Goddammit!" he curses, breathing hard.   
  
"Sam its okay! We can just go to Cas' for an hour or something after school. Dad shouldn't be home much after us"  
  
"Yeah but how could I be so stupid to forget my key! I knew you'd lost yours. I never forget mine"  
  
Dean actually takes a step back from his brother. "Dude chill. Your actually scaring me"  
  
Sam's fists are clenched. "Go away" he growls, storming off. He had work to do and now he was gonna be stuck at the Novak’s all evening while their dad was late home watching Cas relaxing because he'll get straight A's no matter what and Dean fake relaxing because he's given up.   
  
  
"Did you ever think about speaking to a counsellor?"  
  
"What? No! No I don't need a- why would I?" Sam sees Cas visibly wither under his hard glare and he feels a little guilty, trying to force a smile.   
  
"Sam he was just trying to help! No need to snap like that" Dean scolds. "And he has a point. Can't they help you deal with stress and shit"  
  
"I'm not stressed!"  
  
"You so are!"  
  
"Shut up Ash!"  
  
"Sam!"  
  
Sam was not going to see a counsellor. He wasn't mentally unstable he was just a little stressed out and they couldn't help him with that. Nothing anyone can say will stop you stressing and they couldn't help him with the case he already knew.   
For Dean he'd done his application for Uni at the start of his senior year, his acceptance was based off his end of year results. But Sam wanted to go to Stanford. He had to start applying at the end of the summer and they'd be taking into consideration every grade he got between now and graduation.   
Besides, Dean could get a football scholarship relatively easily. The schools he was looking at would be grateful to have a player like him. Sam didn't have that luxury. maybe he should have taken up basketball when he had that growth spurt in 8th grade but he just wasn't into sporting culture.   
He wanted to do history or law or one of the sciences and he's have to work damn hard to even get a partial scholarship.   
  
He pushed his untouched lunch away from himself. "Thanks guys but I think I can handle this one alone" he tells them, getting up. "I'll see you after school"  
  
4 o'clock came and to Dean and Cas' disappointment Sams mood didn't seem to have lifted.   
  
Sam sat in the back of the Chevy, writing down the date his library books were due back. The two senior boys were sat in the front excitedly discussing everything coming up.   
  
"I can't wait to graduate!"  
  
"Yeah, get out of this shit hole once as for all! Hey do you have to give a speech?"  
  
Cas' face pales. "I.. I forgot. I can't do a speech!"  
  
"It's okay" Dean gets a wicked smile. "I'll help you write it"  
  
"And we've got prom, yearbooks, class photos.."  
  
"The last football match of the season, senior pranks. Hey your brother was a legend for that! Maybe he can help us come up with something?"  
  
They pull up at the Novaks and Dean and Cas make sandwiches.   
  
"Hey we're gonna go play Xbox, you wanna come? We can take turns or something?" Dean asks in a way that makes Sam feel he's not really that wanted there.   
  
"Er Cas is your brother in?"  
  
"Yes, I should think so"  
  
"I'm gonna go see him. I have some.. questions about Uni"  
  
Strange guitar noises resonate from Gabriel's bedroom which Sam identifies as Jefferson Airplane and even though Sam knocks he knows he won't be heard, so he proceeds to open the door.   
The French doors are flung open to the small balcony, the sun pouring in, a gentle wind whipping the curtains to and fro. Gabriel's laptop of open at his desk, three coffee mugs and a plate beside it, and paper and spreadsheets and folders are strewn out all over the floor but Gabe is stretched out in his bed in red basketball shorts as a grey tshirt that's rolled up above his belly button.   
His eyes are shut and he looks peaceful, if not a little knackered.   
  
He jumps a mile when Sam calls his name, and flies of the far side of the bed, his head reappearing a moment later.   
  
"Sammy!" he smiles still looking a bit confused.   
  
"We're locked out the house" Sam tells him, leant tall in his doorway.   
  
"That the only reason you came to see me?"  
  
"No"  
  
Gabriel's head snaps up and there's a funny look on his face. "Well.." he says quietly, before setting about straightening his papers.   
  
Sam’s not sure how to broach this subject. So he enters the bedroom and helps Gabriel gather his notes.   
  
"I've er.. been really stressed out recently. The guys were talking about counselling and stuff, but I know that won’t work"   
  
"And what do you think would work?" Gabriel asks curiously.   
  
Biting his lip, Sam had hoped Gabriel would have twigged and he wouldn't have to spell it out. "Err.. do you have.. any weed?" he asks quietly.   
  
Gabriel’s hands still. "And here I was thinking you just wanted to hang out" he says, sounding ever so slightly bitter.   
  
"Well yeah I.. came up to..see-"  
  
"Of corse I do Sam. It's not the root to all your problems though, trust me" he wanders over to his computer desk and pulls open the top draw.   
  
"I know.."  
  
"What you wanna smoke some now?" he produces a small baggy filled with dried green leaves.   
  
"Yes!"  
  
Sam follows the older boy onto the balcony. They sit with their backs to the doors and their feet dangling between the rails. He watches as Gabriel taps a small amount of baccy across the paper and sprinkles the cannabis on top, placing a filter one end and carefully rolling it.   
  
He lights it and takes the first few tokes before passing it over.   
  
"So, why are you feeling so stressed?"   
  
Sam takes a drag. "I don't.. can we not, talk about it?"  
  
Gabriel sighs and rests his head back. "Suit yourself."  
  
They smoke the joint in that comfortable silence that seems to define their weird friendship. Gabe  seems to notice.   
  
"You're a quiet one aren't ya Sammy"

Sam looks at him with red rimmed eyes. Gabriel still feels pretty fine, he has a good tolerance, but he can tell my Sam’s body language that he’s affected. “You feelin' better?" he finally lets himself ask.

Sam takes his time replying. "Yeah. Can we have another one?" Sam asks plainly. He can feel his body tingle, as of every muscle is tweaking and relaxing and his mind is clearing. He's able to focus on the sun in the sky, Gabriel's dirty trainers, and thoughts of exams are few and far between.   
  
"Dude you're baked!" Gabe laughs as if to dismiss the question but Sam won't have that.  
He turns to look at the older boy, looking deep into his eyes.   
  
"I'm fine" he says quietly. Almost involuntarily his hand slips and knocks Gabe's but it's a very much on purpose that he keeps it there.   
  
"No Sam, you brothers downstairs.. I can't get you.." but his voice trails off as Sam rests his suddenly heavy head on his warm shoulder. He thinks he can feel every thought in his mind buzzing around up there, but it's not unpleasant.   
  
"I said I'm fine." his breath hot against Gabriels neck. "I'm just starting to be able to relax"  
  
"I really don't think-"  
  
But Sam has a pretty good idea of how to manipulate the situation. He brushes his nose against Gabriel's neck, which is softer than he'd expected and smells fantastic, and lifts his hand up, resting it down on his thigh. Gabriel drops his head back against the wall immediately, opening up his neck and ever so slightly tilting up his hips. His eyes fall shut too and he looks so damn relaxed and at him ought here.   
  
Sam's drug altered mind doesn't seem to be making sense, he's just thinking of colors and feelings and he's pretty sure he's just doing this to get another spliff but he can't deny what it's like to have Gabriel in the palm of his hand.   
  
In one swift fluid movement Sam is able to sling one leg across Gabriel's lap adjust himself do he's straddling him. A small groan escapes the older bus lips and his eyes fly open, a wild look in them, one like Sam has never seen. A look that he's pretty sure no ones ever given him.   
  
Sam rocks his hips in and leans forward, running his nose gently up Gabe's neck, and just as his lips brush the hollow beneath his ear Gabe snaps, jumping up, allows throwing Sam off.   
  
"Yeah okay one more!" he says completely breathlessly and runs into the house.   
  
Sam smokes the next thin joint to himself whilst Gabriel goes down and tells Dean he's got Sam into some video game and he's taking all his anger out killing demons and stuff and that he'll drop him round later.   
Sam lies stretched out on Gabriel's bed, staring at the ceiling, seeing things no one else can. He gets the first good few hours sleep he's had in a month while Gabe flits around, checking his computer, filing, tidying.   
  
When Sam wakes up he can't believe he fell asleep there and on Gabriel's bed too. He gets a lift home and the journeys silent yet it doesn't feel like the usual silent.


	4. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I haven't had time to check this but I'm away for two weeks so needed to get it out quick, sorry if there's any mistakes.  
> It's LONG and I really hope you like it :)

June  
Senior prank day is major. Sam learnt that Gabe's graduation year was legendary for its pranks and Gabe was mostly responsible. Intercepted announcements, fire bells, the pool was died pink, the mascot was dressed in underwear and hung front the flagpole but the final straw was filling the drinks taps with vodka so everyone left school that day involuntarily drunk whilst Gabe snuck into the principles office and blasted 'Schools out for summer' at top volume through the PA system. 

People had been desperate to top it this year but apparently no one was as gutsy as Gabriel had been although someone had spray painted a giant knob across b blocks lockers.   
Someone also manages to slip green food dye into almost everything the canteens offering (there's a rumor going round that one was actually one of the dinner ladies). 

The prank day signified the end of term for the seniors who would now only be attending school for exams and optional revision sessions. 

"Your last lift home Sammy!" Dean teased as they got in the car. 

"I'll survive"

"You gonna get the bus?"

"Ill probably walk."

Sam still hadn't found I decent way to relax other than the weed but Gabriel wasn't returning any of his calls anymore and last time he'd gone over there with his brother he'd simply told him he was out. 

"You know you can come tonight?" Dean made another vain attempt. 

"Dean it's the seniors BBQ. They're not gonna want a freshman there. 

"Hey, you're practically a sophomore!" 

But Sam refuses any and every offer and Dean soon realizes its futile.   
Sam has plans anyway. It's a Friday and Ash often goes to the park to hang out with some of the older kids. Apparently some of them are college students. 

So they get home and are treated to the rarity of a family dinner where their Dad reminisces about his days in high school. The boys don't mind though. They love to hear the stories. And about their mom. How she was actually much cool than him!

After dinner Dean went off to the BBQ (yes, he really had dinner first) and Sam excused himself to meet Ash.   
The park was a twenty minute walk from their house and was practically overlooked by the Novaks. He hoped Cas didn't see him there and tell Dean. During the day the park would be full of kids but come evening it had a bit of a reputation. 

By the time he got their Ash was already stoned off his face, going on about the green custard he'd had for lunch (which actually made more sense that it sounded like but none of the others there went to their school or knew that and Sam didn't feel obliged to tell them.)

"You sure about this?" Ash questions as he rolls Sam the spliff. He's slumped against the foot of a large tree at the edge of the park which is creating welcomed shade. It's peaking at about 27 degrees already and Sam isn't a big fan of the heat. 

"I'm sure" he tells his friend curtly. 

But something goes wrong. He smoke the hint exactly the se as always but it doesn't mellow his out. That usual wave of calm, happiness even, just never arrives. In fact the opposite seems to be happening, his worries seem to be worsening.  
So he has another one, trying to pay Ash for it but he refuses. 

"How do you feel?" Sam asks Ash, wondering if its something to do with this specific 'batch'.

"Chilled dude. Power. Like.. like I could do anything, but all I wanna do is lie here and do nothing. And that's okay too"  
Ash is talking much slower than usual and making even less sense. 

So it's not the drugs but all Sam seems to be able to think about if the pressure he's under and how he has to get this scholarship because his dad can't afford to send him to Stanford, if he could even get in..  
And what was worse was he was even starting to freak out about the fact he's smoked some weed and he knew it was bad and he shouldn't of done it and he's working himself up now, but acknowledging that makes him panic more. 

He tries to take a cue from Ask, lay down, stretch out, feel the sun on his face. But nothing seems to be helping. 

"Ash I don't.. feel great"

"Man I told you not to have the second one.." Ash doesn't get it. 

"No.. I mean.. usually.. I feel.."

"What?"

But he can't explain it. Usually he feels.. excited and yet relaxed all at once. He feels hopefully and free and in charge of his life and..  
His heart is racing, beating hard against his chest and he can feel sweat, falling from his hairline, down his temples and down his neck and back. His sits up quickly, gets up, starts pacing but he's almost struggling to breath. 

"Dude?" Ash sits up, quirking an eyebrow. "Are.. are you okay? Shall I.. call your brother?"

"No! No I.. All weed is the same right? I mean.."  
His vision is blurring at the edges, the colours of the park saturating and he's still burning up. 

"Well it can vary a bit but really it's the same.."

"Crap Ash I've gotta go! I'll catch you on Monday!" Sam starts jogging off. 

"You okay buddy? Sam?! Text me!" Ash calls after him. He wonders, Sam heads off out the east side of the park, away from where he lives and wonders where he's going but the train of thought just veers off to what he's having for dinner tonight. 

Sam runs out of the park and round the house at the edge banging on the door. No one answers so he keeps knocking and knocking and he doesn't know how but he just knows Gabriel is in.   
And he's right. 

"Alright alright hold your fucking hor-" Gabe's voice trails off and a look of horror crosses his face briefly. "Sam..?"

Sam barges past him into the house and straight up the stairs to his room. 

"Sam what's going on? You look.. shit" Gabriel jogs after him and into his room where Sam's flung open the French doors and is sat cross legged on his bed. "Sam?" his confusion subsides and he suddenly feels nervous. He drops down infront of Sam but when he reaches forward and touches his knee he jumps slides off the bed. 

"No! I went to the park with Ash and.. I.. I smoked this joint. and I think there was something wrong with it.. coz-"

"Sam!" Gabriel paces over to him. "Sam.. you're kind of.. smoking a LOT recently.."

"Yeah? So?"

"What's up?"

Sam is pacing again, he's looking pretty worse for wear. Still sweating like crap.   
"I have to! I feel like I'm going mad recently. The only time I can even THINK is when I've had some. I feel.. like I'm.. drowning or something.. But I didn't work this time and now I feel worse"  
He stops abruptly and looks over to Gabriel. 

"Sam there's something you've got to realize with drugs. They're never the answer. Trust me. They don't even help you to the answer. They just.. enhance it. What you're feeling" 

Sam pauses to think about this but only for a moment. "No. No that's not right because it makes me feel good. And I don't feel good. I feel shit"

Gabriel sighs, running a hand through his hair. "If you smoke a join when you feel shit" he gestures at Sam now. "It'll make you ten times worse"

Sam's head still feels thick and fuzzy and the trees outside the window are moving way to fast but it doesn't seem quite as scary now and his heart rate has returned to normal.   
He leans against the wall, trying to process Gabriel's earnest voice. But he always feels this way an the smoking fixes it. He's always this stress-...  
His thoughts trail off as he thinks of the one difference. His looks up and finds Gabriel's bright eyes staring worriedly a his face, concern wrinkling his forehead. And he looks so goddam serious Sam can't help but laugh, and once he starts he can't stop. He reaches out, grabbing Gabe's arm for support as he doubles outward laughing. 

"Well you've cheered up" the older boy shakes his head with a wry smile and pulls away, strolling over to the open French doors and looking out. 

"Your-Face" Sam forces out but pulls himself together, stifling giggles. 

"I'm glad my concern for you when you're unwell amuses you so much" and there's a clip to Gabriel's voice that's not usually there and Sam realizes he's actually upset. He wanders over to him, still biting back the urge to laugh. 

"Gabe, I'm sorry-" he touches Gabriel's shoulder and turns him, falling silent as they stand face to face. "I didn't..mean to.."

"It's okay don't worry" he tries to brush it off but Sam isn't convinced. 

Their eyes meet again and Sam holds it, challenging Gabriel, willing him not to look away.

"It's okay" the older boy repeats, this time seemingly more to himself. At himself. 

Sam's ultra aware of what he's jut realized, and grateful that Gabriel doesn't seem to have twigged. Drugs. Alcohol. Partying. None of it really helped ease anything. But people, people could. Being around Gabe literally made the weight on Sam's shoulders bearable and he had no idea why. Maybe it was because Gabriel had actually got in to college but decided not to go. Maybe it was just because he didn't feel judged by Gabriel. He was the one person who he felt as though his opinion of him didn't depend on what he did or his life choices. Which was crazy because he had Dean but that was the scary thing. Gabe seemed to be filling a totally different hole. 

Sam noted Gabriel's eyes searching his face for an explanation. He was utterly confused yet his features remained soft and impassive. Sam couldn't help but think the slight frown etched across Gabriel's brow was pretty cute. The smaller man was looking up at him, just waiting, waiting for Sam to explain. But Sam wasn't explaining, he was just enjoying holding Gabe's unyielding attention. 

It was kind of on a whim but Sam had to know, so he ducked forwards slowly, giving Gabriel ample time to pull away, but he didn't. He stood, rooted to the spot, not breaking eye contact until their faces were an inch apart when his eyelids fluttered shut and he waiting, and then let Sam kiss him, softly on the lips. He pulls away slowly in order to gage his friends reaction. He scans his face from an inch away, spotting new features he'd never noticed before. Freckles. The curve of his cheek bone. The bright flecks of gold in his iris.   
He could get lost like that for a while Gabriel leaned back in, his hands sliding up Sam's shoulders to his neck, his fingers curling into his hair and pulling his face back down to his. Now Gabriel is in charge, molding his lips against Sam's and after a moment prying them open into a real kiss which takes the younger mans breath clean out of his lungs.   
Slowly Gabriel backs him onto the bed and Sam pulls him down on top of him, their limbs tangling together.   
It's a long time before Gabriel has the willpower to pull away but as Sam's upward thrusts broke more needy, his hands at Gabe's hips more demanding, he knows he has to.   
He physically has to catch his breath they'd been kissing so long. Sam looks confused beneath him, his hair is in his eyes, his cheeks pink, his chest rising and falling rapidly. 

"It's you" he finally pants, pushing his fringe up out of his face. 

"What's me?" Gabriel asks in genuine confusion, climbing off of Sam's lap. 

"You're what's been calming me down"

"I was kind of hoping I'd 'excite' you or something like that. Not 'calm you down'" He quips, picking a pillow they'd knocked up from the floor and placing it back up on the bed. 

Sam rolls his eyes. "I have enough excitement thank you. I'd take relaxed any day"

"Well good for you. Sam its getting late, you should really be getting back"

Sam's eyes dart up to Gabriel's stern expression. 

"What's.. wrong? Gabe, have I..have I done something wrong?"

Gabriel shifts uncomfortably. He's shut off from Sam and seems agitated. "No. I just.. it's gone midnight. I'm gonna get some sleep. You stay any later people will start asking questions" he says avoiding eye contact, tidying things that don't need to me tidied. 

"So?"

"So, what. You're suddenly gay now?" Gabriel snaps, finally stopping and looking at Sam. 

"What? No!" Sams face flashes bright red and he jumps off the bed. "No I.. I like girls. I.. just ha to try.."

"Yeah I know" Gabe sighs, his features softening again. "So I'm right, you better get going"

Sam nods and let's himself get lead to the door. "I'm sorry" he tries again just as he's leaving but Gabe brushes it off. 

"You're totally not my type anyway" he forces a smile. 

Sam wants to ask of Gabriel's actually gay. And if anyone knows. But he feels he's probably lost the right to that. He's not sure how to say goodbye either, so he just doesn't, he just he heads off, throwing Gabe a wave over his shoulder which is briefly returned by the older guy leaning casually in his porch.  
July  
Sam closes his eyes, his patience wearing thin. "Dean" he growls through gritted teeth. "Cut. It. Out" his cat like reflexes enable him to grab Deans hand as he reaches up to poke Sam in the side of the head with a pencil for the Nth time, and twist it behind his big brothers back. "I said stop"

Dean yanks his arm free. "Jeez, some people can't take a joke" he mumbles under his breath. 

"I'm sorry, a joke? How is you poking me with a pencil when I'm trying to study a joke?!"

"Well I think it's hilarious"

Sam finally gives up, slamming his books shut and glaring at his brother. "When's Castiel back?"

Dean shrugs casually. "Oh I don't know" he mutters. "4 days, 6 hours.."

Sam shakes his head in disbelief. Weirdest. Friendship. Ever. 

"Can't you go to his house and sniff his pillow or something?"

Dean smacks him. "No. Besides its just his dad home and he freaks me out man"

Sam stills for a moment, but he can't stop himself and the words pass his lips before he's even thought them. "Where's Gabriel?"

"Oh he's back in the city working or something. Where he was when he was pretending to be at Uni. Whatever."

Sam had only seen Gabriel once since they'd missed and although he'd been dying to talk to him, he wished they hadn't bumped into him.  
Sam and his dad had been in the hardware store buying tackle and stuff for one of his dads fishing trips when they'd bumped into Gabriel and Castiel. Gabe appeared to be buying Cas a bike, which was pretty nice.   
Anyway, needless to say it had been the most awkward experience of Sam's life. 

 

The four days goes even slower than Sam could have imagined. He finds himself actually counting down himself. To get rid of Dean. Of corse. Not to be going to their house, which he doesn't even really want to do. 

"Remind me why you're coming again?"

"Cas's my friend too! Besides, I want him to look through my essay plans before I start writing them.."

"They're due for after summer! And your summe that's by even started yet" Dean shakes his head, turning into the Novaks road. 

"Look I'll just be 10 minutes then I'm off to the library" 

"Oh god you're so exciting!"

They pull into the driveway a few moments later and Cas is stood in the doorway, bare feet, jeans and a tshirt.   
Him and Dean flash eachother these funny grins and it almost looks as if they're going to hug or something but Castiel just steps aside and lets them in. 

Dean drops onto the couch, flicking on the tv whilst Sam spreads his essay plans out across the dinner table. He's feeling a bit guilty now, he feels like he's in the way. 

Cas chews the end of his biro thoughtful, eyes trailing the page. 

"Nerds!" Dean calls. 

"Shut up" Cas replies casually. "Here" he taps the page with his pen "you need to link this back to the question. You're going off on a tangent." he carries on. "And this, you don't need 400 words for that. It's just descriptive, you can't get high marks for that"

Sam is grateful for Cas' input, specially as he mentions quite fare points he wouldn't have thought of and it's easy to see why he's top of the class. 

"Make sure you link this back to the authors background. They'll like that. The cultural significance and why he would have chosen to write specifically about this"

"That's great Cas" Sam almost cuts him of as he can see Dean glaring in the background. "I'd better get going if I want to get to the library and get those books you recommended before it closes. Alright if I nip to the loo?"

"Go ahead"

"Finally!" he hears Dean sigh as he jogs up the stairs. It takes him a moment to re-remember where the bathroom is, but as he approaches it the door flies open, hitting the toe of his boot and bouncing shut again. 

"What the f-" exclaims a familiar voice from inside. 

Sam steps back and lets the door open again, revealing Gabriel rubbing his forehead. 

"Gabe I.. I'm so sorry!!" he tumbles over his words, his face burning with embarrassment. 

"Oh it's you Sasquatch" Gabe mumbles and goes to sidestep him. 

"Wait no are you okay?" Sam reaches out to move his hand and get a look at where the door hit him but Gabe pulls away scowling. 

"I'm fine"

He tries to walk past him again but this time Sam actually does grab him. "Gabriel. I.. I missed you. Where we're you?"

"At work Sam"

"What do you do?" Sam is saying anything to strike up a conversation and he's not sure why but he just realized how much he's missed this kid.   
Gabriel gives him another look and sighs, dropping back against the wall and looking up at him. 

"I'm a headhunter Sam. I find people their dream jobs"

"Is that your dream job?"

He pauses for a minute before responding. "Yeah, i mean, it's fun. It's like a puzzle, finding the right people for the right job. And I can do it from home! When I feel that was inclined anyway. Just going into the city for meetings.."

"Well its sounds like a good job. Like something your dad should be proud of-"

Gabriel scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Look Sam I'm kind of busy-"

"Why don't you wanna talk to me?" Sam pouts. Gabe's eyebrows shoot up in response.

"You're kidding right? YOU are the one that wouldn't talk to ME when I tried to ring!"

"How many times? Two? Three? I came round to talk to you a few days later only to be informed you'd gone!"

"I HAD WORK!"

"You could have told me!"

Gabriel closes his eyes and runs the bridge of his nose. "Look Sam, what happened.. It's okay. We don't have to talk about it, or do anything about it, if you dot want to"

"It's not that I don't want to!" Sam has to make that clear. Kissing Gabriel had been a head fuck but to say he hadn't enjoyed it would be the biggest lie ever. He'd kissed maybe two girls before? And neither had made him feel anything in the realm of what kissing Gabriel had.   
But it all really just seemed like too much to handle. He'd kind of wondered before why everyone was so rigid about sexuality. Surely whether someone was male or female didn't really matter, it was about personality? But facing the fact height actually be gay was not on his top list of priorities. High school was hard enough as it was and he could hardly imagine his dad and brother having no reaction... "I needed a few days to get my head straight and once I had you were gone!"

A wave of guilt washes over Gabriel, clearing away the anger thy had built up over the last few weeks to hide his disappointment and hurt. As far as he was concerned Sam had taken it too far last time to just change his mind. But now he realistic maybe he'd expected a little bit too much from the kid. He bites his lip. "Sam I'm.. I'm sorry" he forces out a rare apology, surprising Sam. 

"No don't! Don't be. It's okay, I just..want you to know that it.. It all just seemed like too much, it still does.." his voice trails off as Gabriel's pushes himself of the wall and rests a cool hand on Sam's burning cheek, shushing him. His fingers the slip back to Sam's neck, splaying out in his hair, and he gently presses his face down to his, kissing him softly on the lips. He begins to move his mouth against Sam's but the younger boy jumps back. 

"No Gabriel I.. I really like you, But that's why I can't kiss you again. Because I don't know if this.. High school is hard enough, and i have to focus on getting my grades. Besides my dad and brother wouldn't get it. I'm just not sure.."

Gabriel raises an eyebrow, something of amusement on his face, not the reaction Sam had expected, and nods solemnly. "Come on, I'll see you out"

Sam completely forgets he needed the loo. Infact, maybe he never did. Maybe he was hoping to see Gabriel all along.   
He follows him down the stairs but Gabe pauses at the front door and doesn't open it. Instead he looks over to the arch leading into the lounge.  
Sam hears a grunt and follows his gaze, his eyes finding a sight he did not expect to see.   
Dean is laid out on the couch, face down. Which is strange enough. But if you look closer, you can just spot Cas beneath him.   
They are kissing so passionately neither notice their audience, Sam's sure of that when Deans hand slides to the waistband of Cas' jeans and he's out the door before he can see where that is going.   
Gabriel follows him out, bent over double with laughter at Sam's reaction. 

"Wh..you KNEW about this?"

"You DIDN'T?!" Gabriel chokes, and suddenly Sam feels pretty stupid for suggesting his brother might not understand his being gay. 

"How long?!"

"How long have they been together? I don't really know when it started but I think kind of before the friendship" Gabriel shrugs. 

It really shouldn't have been that surprising but Sam still couldn't get over it. 

"Who knows?"

"How should I know!" Gabe throws his hands in the air. "I don't THINK anyone knows for sure, but anyone with half a brain can make an educated guess" he points our, warning himself a slap. 

"Well.. I've gotta get to the library" Sam says, still a little dazed. 

Gabriel, who's still far to pleased with himself just nods. "Well okay Sammy. I'm back I'm the city tomorrow but if you need anything call okay? You can do that you know. And not for drugs, I mean if you actually need something, or you just wanna talk?"

Sam is still trying to banish the mental image of his brother dry humping a guy on the couch so it takes a few minutes for the words to sink in, but he smiles when they do, that smile that gives Gabe butterflies. 

"Okay, thanks!"

They both hesitate for a minute, Sam rocks forwards, almost taking a step towards Gabriel but neither hugging or kissing seems quite appropriate so he leaves with a simple wave.  
August  
Sam's knee was bouncing up and down anxiously. 

"Would you quit it?" Dean snaps finally. 

"Where is he?" But no sooner does Sam check his watch, the doorbell rings. He bounces out ripping the door open, startling Castiel on the other side. 

"Did you get it?"

"Hi to you too Sam"

Sam steps back letting him in the house by before he has the chance to ask anymore questions Dean strides over, taking Cas by the back of the head and pulling him into a huge sloppy kiss, to get Sam back for irritating him this past hour. Cas does somehow manage to hold out the piece of paper with a key attached. 

He pulls away red faced.   
"I've written down the address to Gabe's office. He's in a meeting til half 8 so he should be back some time after that. That's his key. He could be staying anywhere so you'll have to meet him there"

A few minutes later they are in the impala.   
Sam sits forward in the back seat, resting his arms on the front bench. 

"How did you tell dad?" Sam wonders aloud. He'd ended up admitting to Dean he knew about him and Cas because it had just becoming too painfully obvious and it almost hurt to watch Dean try and cover his tracks. However he soon regretted that decision when he realized how much worse it was to have to watch your brother making out 24/7. 

"We didn't tell him as such" Cas answers after a moment. 

"What happened?"

Dean looks at his brother in his rear view mirror and sighs. "We were having some argument about my keep missing curfew because of this idiot" he gestures at Cas. "He made some off-hand comment like 'he's not your boyfriend or something is he' and I guess I just didn't feel like lying that day" Dean shrugs casually. 

"And what did dad say?" Sam probes. 

Dean shrugs again. "Nothin much. He went a little red. He looked like he was gonna say something but he just shook his head"

"And what? He never brought it up again?"

"When I was late home the next time he made some comment about 'at least a ain't getting no one pregnant'"

Sam sits back and chuckles. "Man, I thought he'd have something to say about that. So when we're you gonna tell me?"

"We thought you knew" Cas says flatly. 

"Anyway what about you and Gabriel? Where's this come from? He's a bit old"

Sam blushes hard now and begins to fiddle with the string of the key. "We're not.. he's not my boyfriend or anything. I guess... we'll just have to see how this weekend goes. He might just ask me to leave..."

"He won't" Castiel says surely, looking straight ahead. 

They arrive in the city a few hours later, checking into a cheap roadside motel. Sam decides against leaving his stuff with Dean and Cas and after an hour of watch them canoodle he realizes it’s not more fun in a different state and decides to head to Gabe's office early. 

"You're taking your stuff?" Dean quirks an eyebrow. 

"Well, yeah. In case I end up staying at Gabriel's.."

"Dads covered the whole.. birds and the bee's talk ri-"

"Yes! God yes! Goodbye Dean!" and with that Sam hurries off. 

Turns out confidence gets you in anywhere ('Sam Winchester. I'm here to see Mr Novak about a job opportunity with an IT firm just outside of Kansas'). Well, confidence and stolen keys..  
He lets himself into the office and scans the place. At first too scare to touch anything because it's just so tidy in there. Immaculate. The left wall is lined with book cases filled with journals and files and a cabinet with a globe, the back large windows overlooking the city, the right photographs of the building and computer mock ups from presumably before it was erected. Also a large copier and fax. The last wall is the door. There's a pot plant and a waste paper bin. In the middle of the room is sat a large glass desk, 4 foot wide, a shiny new Mac sat in the middle, trays of documents and stationary holders stand to the left and a phone and the one personalized item that signifies the room is ever inhabited by Gabriel. A family picture. Well, a picture of Gabriel and Castiel with their father on a beach somewhere. Gabriel looks to be in his early teens so the photographs pretty old. Sam knows their dad is away on business a LOT of the time, and neither of the boys rent their mother. 

Tucked into the desk is a large high backed black leather swivel chair which Sam drops into. He twiddled his thumbs for a bit, checking his phone, but upon finding the Mac to be password protected and not thinking Gabriel would be too pleased of he hacked it he begins to flick through the draws.   
The top one has a brown file with a urgent stamp. It contains details of a biochemist job going. Beneath that are two more files. A CEO for a small chain of organ cafes and some web design gig. 

The second draw contains a phone book and sheets of scribbled contact details. It also has a diary with the words 'paper copy' written on a post-it. It contains the dates of all Gabe's meetings and deadlines scrawled in. Presumably back-up if the networks go down. Sam had no idea Gabriel was so..thoughtful. 

The bottom draw is of slightly more interest. A lads mag. A packed of cigarettes and a zippo, a pack of gum. An old phone, maybe back up. A couple of paper clips and an elastic band and photograph. It was taken the night of the Halloween party. Jo had taken a bunch on her camera and developed them and given Sam the ones he was in. One had been a group shot. He didn't really remember it being taken. It was at the bottom of the stairs. Castiel was wrestling with his sheet. Dean stood beside him, beer in hand, bent over in fits of laughter. The look in his eyes as he looked at his friend really said it all.   
Jo was at the front, grinning a big false smile, holding Ash in the frame who was looking somewhere behind whoever the cameraman was, obviously high as a kite. Sam was stood to his right, looking a little uncomfortable. Gabriel was stood on the stairs behind him, holding bunny ears behind his head and looking very pleased with himself. Next to him was some jock that had taken a shine to Jo.   
Sam turned it over and smiled. His mobile number was written across the back. He'd given it to Gabe after new years.   
He placed the photo back in the draw carefully and slid it shut. He wasn't sure what to do now. It was only 8:40. But the traveling had drained him and the leather chair was comfier than it looked and he soon found himself relaxing into it and closing his eyes.   
He woke with a start as Gabriel let the office door slam shut behind him. He'd jumped out of his skin when he'd spotted the figure lounged at his desk and was more than a bit relieved when flicking the lamp on revealed it was Sam asleep there. 

"Sam!" he gasped. 

"Holy sh-" Sam jumps up. "Wh.. what time is it?"

"A little after ten" Gabe tells him, still a little bewildered. "Sam.. What're you doing here? Is everything okay? I said you could call.."

Sam smiled and Gabriel's voice faded into silence. "I'm good. Great, maybe"

"Maybe?"

Sam began to walk around the room, trailing his hand carelessly over the shelves, eyeing some of the books apps there, before turning back to face his friend. "I wanted to come and see where you worked"

"It's not very exciting" Gabe says quietly, and suddenly he looks very small and a bit lost stood in the middle of the room, gazing, gaping, at Sam. 

"I find everything about you exciting" he says without thinking. He spins the terribly cliched globe stood next to the printer. "I must say though, this isn't how I expected your office.."

"There's a bong in the scrap paper draw" Gabe retorts defensively and they both crack up laughing. 

"Ah, I think I'm giving up drugs for good. It's not my thing" Sam muses. 

"Good. You're a bit of a slut after a joint"

"I thought you'd like that"

They both fall silent, caught between being so ridiculously embarrassed by the whole ordeal ad the giant elephant in the room that was their feelings for one and other and the weight that had been lifted by Sam turning up here and facing up to them. 

"I.. where are you staying? Do you need to get back somewhere?"

"No" is all Sam says. He the crosses the room and Gabriel wants to yell 'finally' but at the same time it's too soon and he's not ready. Before he has chance to make sense of these thoughts Sam is stood in front of him, toe to toe, head tilted down to him and Gabriel’s mind is wiped blank of anything but that amazing face. He's about to lean in and make the first move when something willed flashes across Sam's face, making his insides burn hot, and the next thing he knows he's walked briskly back to the wall which his back collides with hard and his body is being pressed into  
It by a much larger one and Sam’s hands are winding into his hair, and Sam's lips have covered his and Sam's tongue is dancing an erotic rhythm against his and Gabe couldn't even try and explain anymore than that because it was all a daze. A blur of colours and sensations that totally overwhelm him and it feels like fireworks are exploding in his stomach and he can feel himself deepening the kiss, making it faster, harder, more desperate. Something he probably shouldn't be sharing with a 16 year old boy..  
He catches himself and pulls away quickly, tearing his mouth away from Sam's and almost jumping backwards. 

"Shit" he pants, backing away from Sam further. It's been a hot day and it's even hotter in the office and he's sweating now.  
A red flush spreads high across Sam’s cheeks. “Gabriel I.. I’m sorry” he stutters, eyes widening.   
“No, I..” Gabriel looks up at him silently. He wants to say something like they shouldn’t be doing this. Knowing the right thing to do is get Sam somewhere to stay because the kid must be tired and might regret this in the morning. But he doesn’t. Physically can’t. Because although his brain is going into over-drive, giving him a thousand instructions a second, his heart is just.. smiling. “I’ve been waiting for you to do that for.. fucking ages” he breathes, pulling the younger boy back to him.  
***  
Sam bites his lip, his eyes flicking nervously up to Castiel who’s leaning against the wall of the motel. He’s sat on a small wall just to his left. They’re both watching Dean and Gabriel in deep discussion just far enough across the car park that they can’t be heard.  
Dean is stood at the boot of the Impala, arms folded across his chest. Gabriel stands opposite him, hands in pockets, looking mostly at the floor, kicking a loose stone about.  
“What do you think he’s saying?” Sam finally asks.  
Castiel ponders this for a moment, looking for the post likely option, but he’s not sure, there are many choices. “He’s probably asking if you had sex last night”  
Sam nearly chokes. “Cas!”  
“I’m joking! It.. was a joke?” Castiel blushes. His sense of humour is.. terrible. “I do not know what dean’s asking. Probably enquiring about after my brothers intentions. To see if they’re honest”  
Sam gulps, wondering why he’d even asked. “You still haven’t got the hang of humour Cas. Don’t try”  
After a few more tense moments Dean drops his arms and Sam actually flinches, having it in half a mind he’s going to hit him, but he doesn’t. He raises a hand, giving Gabriel a funny look and they shake hands.  
Sam lets out a long breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. When Gabriel had told Sam he was driving him to Dean in the morning Sam had panicked like mad and tried to convince him that that wasn’t necessary.  
“He’s expecting to drive you home in a couple of hours?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Come on Sam, let’s not get on his bad side hey” Gabe had winked, hiding the nerves he too felt. But Dean was dating his younger brother, and even though they weren’t as close and he wasn’t as protective as Dean, he didn’t really have a leg to stand on. “Hey, if he doesn’t mind I’ll take you back, we can follow in my car. Stop for lunch and stuff. I’m done in the city for now”  
The two older boys now look over to Sam and Castiel, sort of, summoning them.  
“So, you’re dating then? Boyfriend and.. boyfriend?” Dean raises an eyebrow.  
“I..” Sam didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t realised he was now Gabriel’s boyfriend. Not that he minded at all.   
Gabe smiles at him. “You riding back with me sasquatch?”  
“Yes?” Sam looks at Dean, who gives him a small nod. “Yes!” he beams, following Gabriel.  
“Even if his car has nothing on Baby” Dean mutters, nodding at Cas to follow him.  
Sam gets in the passenger side, clicking on his seatbelt whilst Gabriel fusses with his CD player, a feat ‘Baby’ doesn’t have. Dean won’t let her.  
He looks over and smiles at his ‘boyfriend’’.  
“I go back to school in a week. It’s nearly a year since we met”  
“If we’d started dating straight of it’d nearly be our year anniversary” Gabriel looks up and beams at him, that cheeky, enthusiastic grin that melts Sam’s insides. He then leans in, dropping a quick kiss to his lips. “Well, we have plenty of time to catch up. Come on, let’s drive back slow” he winks.


End file.
